Monday, August 1, 2011

Not a good day

I'm not feeling 'good' today. I feel as though I'm in a vat of congealed fat. It's hard to move. I took the dog for a walk and I was thinking about the tables they use to determine how bad someone's MS is (I'm reading a lot!) and they talk about how far you can walk without resting or using a support etc. I got to the turn in the driveway and thought 'I want to stop here' so that would be 200m but I didn't. In a marathon you think 'I want to stop here' frequently but you tell yourself to stop whining and carry on. And so I carried on. So I can walk for a reasonable distance without support or resting because my head is trained to make me do so. It'd be like someone lost in a desert - you make yourself go on. If someone said "How far can you walk?" my answer would be "How far do I have to walk?". So how accurate are the tables? Would a more accurate assessment be "When do you first feel the need to stop walking?"

I am exhausted. I had to have a nap between dropping Toby at school and going to work. I fell after my last visit - foot drop. The idea of going down the stairs to dinner was like asking me to walk to the city centre. It's the worst fatigue I've ever had. It's probably the insomnia finally impacting! Only half a prednisone tablet left to take tomorrow and then I'm steroid free! For me the side effects have outweighed the benefits. I still have blurred vision and weakness after 3 weeks of treatment and I'm grumpy, sleep deprived and moon faced to boot.  I think I'd only ever take a repeat dose if it was the choice between steroids and an MRI. An MRI is pretty close to the top of things I never want to do again without medicinal aid. I'm pretty sure I will be faced with a repeat in the not too distant future.  I may try going private to avoid the technician who trusses you up like a hostage victim. For goodness sakes guy! breathing is not optional!

I'm awaiting a referral but have no indication of when it might appear. The collective conscious have all decided that if I don't hear by Friday I am to go to my GP and get a private referral from her.  It would be nice if things just went they way they are supposed to.  I once described depression to a woman as the statement  'I can't be bothered', how I feel at the moment is similar but I had a much better term until my brain went squelch and all higher levels of functioning stopped. It's more I'm powerless to be bothered. I have way too many things to be doing to be feeling like this!

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